It’s late; all I am doing is sitting upright in my bed, thinking. My mind is racing. It doesn’t stop. Some nights, over the last few weeks, it’s so bad that I can’t sleep for hours. Being ill-at-ease with my current lifestyle is the main proponent of my insomnia, I think.
I live with my family; work two part-time jobs; am not in school but will be again; and am devastatingly single.
Each of those aspects of my current “place” in life keep my mind so busy that I have to fight myself to be able to sleep. I have so many, many questions. God, do you hear me? I’m telling you I have questions. They’re all circling around in my head because I don’t have anyone to truly, truly talk to. The writings in my diary have become sparse. Pages in my sketchbooks continue to go unfilled or filled with useless things. My weight and fitness are slowly coming back into check.
I barely recognize myself. It’s certainly not a self I want to recognize.
Fodder. Stagnation. Irresponsibility. Lack of Discipline.
These are words that, like carrion birds, pick at the guilt in my heart and mind.
I am strong enough to move forward, but I am doing so very, very slowly. I have no reason for this. I keep telling myself that it is time to buckle down and birth a new sense of responsibility and discipline. It’s high time I started keeping my word to myself before keeping of my word to others.
It’s time for me to stop swimming aimlessly, listlessly, and start walking purposefully, comfortably (comme+fort), forward.
Get ready. I’m here; the Lord only knows how much stronger. You can only guess.